||[Sep. 10th, 2007|09:17 pm]
Once again, finding out something I should have known via a friend's journal. Joy!
It really is frustrating, because I'm very good at hiding how I feel inside. Nobody can tell when I'm ill or don't feel well because I look and act fine on the outside. Sure, you all know I'm not well because I write about it here, but to anyone who doesn't read this, I look perfectly healthy. It's also really hard to have people understand what you're going through, especially when they start thinking you're just making shit up. I always feel very guilty when my problems overwhelm me to the point that I have to mention them, because it probably looks like I'm just making an excuse to duck out of things.
I'll share a few of the things I deal with every day even though most are on here somewhere already, just for completeness of this post.
Major Depressive Disorder: I'm not even really sure how long I've had this. When my Psychiatrist asked me when it began, I could only give him a vague "about ten years ago" answer. The problem is, for the longest time I had myself convinced that what I was feeling was normal and I needed to "buck up" and get by because I'm stronger than that! Well, it turns out I'm not!
Nonentrained Sleep-Wake Disorder: Humans have a 25hr day, but the vast majority of people get by with our 24 hour day just fine. This is because their bodies get and respond to triggers about when it's time for sleep and when it's not--snlight, eating schedule, etc. Nonentrained Type is a disorder of this process and is a circadium rhythm sleep disorder. My day hovers around 26-27 hours and, if I let it go unchecked, I willwake up later and later each day, going to bed later and later, so at times I will be asleep during the day and awake at night, or vice-versa, or some crazy morning sleep, evening awake schedule. Of course, I can't let it do this, so I take a boatload of medications to coral it in. This was another one of those "oh I'm fine, I'm a teenager/college student/not working so it's normal for this to happen". I got 2-3hrs of sleep per night for all of my college career and most of highschool. I'm now 26 and still plagued by this problem.
IBS-C: No poop. Much more horrible than it sounds. My grandmother had the same problem (my mom, oddly enough, is exactly the opposite). Diet changes, drinking more water, etc doesn't really work and my colon laughs at fiber like it's a big joke. Oddly enough, this has vastly improved since I started taking Zoloft for my depression. Go SSRI's!
Low Blood Pressure: This doesn't sound so bad, right? Having low blood pressure is a good thing! No, not when it's this low. I get pounding headaches from too much activity, black out if I stand up too fast, and more. I managed to get myself completely off caffeine in January, but now it seems like that's the only thing that'll keep me from getting a blinding migraine when I go out for a walk :(
Chronic Migraines: My nervous system has a very twitchy trigger finger. Eat lunch an hour late? Pain! Get a bad night's sleep? Pain! Sometimes it seems to just be randomly triggered. A migraine is something you just can't convey the horror of to someone who has never had one. "Oh, you have a headache? Just take a couple Tylenol and you'll be fine." No :(